How To Say & Hear The Right Thing

HOW TO SAY THE RIGHT THING
In truth, there is no perfectly right thing to say. Or if there is you’ll only find it by happy accident. The right thing is the real thing.

First, you must check yourself. You know, before you wreck yourself. Check your motivations, weigh your feelings. Why are you moved to say something? Is it obligation or is it sincerely felt? Is this a person you care about or merely social etiquette?

Note there’s no problem with expressing kindness to follow etiquette or saying something supportive to someone you don’t actively care about. It’s still kindness, and shouldn’t be undervalued. This isn’t dictating when or if you should say something, but be clear about how you feel and what’s motivating you. It will help shape your words.

Now gather yourself: What do you WANT to say?

Be unfiltered in the safety of your own head, or typing on your own screen. Give yourself permission to say whatever stupid words appear. You can fancy it up later with better words and thoughtful construction.

You will want to say different things to different people. Your neighbor across the street will arouse a different response than someone at work or an ex-girlfriend. You may want to tell your best friend that you’ll crawl over glass to help her however and whenever she needs no matter how bloody your knees are and if you lose feeling in your toes; that you’ll die without her and you wanna shave your head in solidarity and you’re going to get a tattoo of her name in a pink ribbon on your arm to show your love forever and always. That would be a lot to say out loud. Don’t say it yet.

Boil it down to its essence. Ye olde KISS tenet: Keep It Simple, Stupid. Except you’re not stupid. So: Keep It Simple, Silly Muffin.

Best Friend: I love you so much. I’ll do everything I can to help. I’m always here for you.
Friend: I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’ll do whatever I can to help. I am here for you.
Acquaintance: I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I wish you strength and peace and good health.

If you’re close enough to delve deeper into her experience, ask questions. How is her faith weathering this storm? How does she feel about her body? Does she like the new hairdo? Let her language, her mood, her need for expression dictate the direction of the talk. Follow her lead, go with her where she needs to go. She’ll be thrilled for the company.

HOW TO HEAR THE RIGHT THING
I can’t let us patients off the hook. Sometimes we overreact, project, misconstrue, read between the lines too much. Or at least I did and do and probably will again. All our nerves are being poked, literally and figuratively; sometimes we may be so raw we recoil at every whiff of stimulus. We have to try to slow down and remain calm.

The vast majority of people we know are trying their hardest. They aren’t perfect, they speak too carelessly, but it’s not because they don’t care. They’re reaching out because they do care, in their own way, the best they can. We have to reach for trust and faith, look hard for the kindness beneath the bone-headed words, accept the care in whatever form it’s offered and let go of how ridiculously stupid it sounded.

It’s okay to have a good, long internal rant first.