How to Write the Wrong Thing

Distance — both physical and emotional — may dictate that you won’t be speaking directly to your patient, and may wish to email or write a card. Luckily, we have more time to think and ponder and search for the right wording; we’re less likely to stumble into bone-headed wrongness.

It's still easy enough to write the wrong thing. A couple of friends who were far away — both physically and emotionally — wrote kind words that felt empty, because they wrote simply as if nothing was strained. I wished for a glimmer of honesty, a passing glance at the distance between us. It would have been a recognition that behind the cancer treatment I was still Kate the person, one half of a friendship filled with history and tension and regard. I missed that simple acknowledgment; I was sadder than if they hadn’t written at all.

THE WORST GET-WELL CARD EVER: AN ANALYSIS

I was diagnosed with my second cancer three months after a bad falling-out. Will and I were once very close friends despite living in different cities. Starting in our teen years we were prolific pen pals, phoned often, and occasionally took planes to visit each other. For more than 25 years we were like siblings, until the spring just before my diagnosis in 2O15. Over the course of a month, a Facebook spat with his wife turned into an unfriending, past-dredging, resentment-detailing, accusation-laden email fight with both of them. It was heated and icky and bad and destroyed every last cell of our relationship with a sad whimper. We haven’t spoken since the last email, except for the get-well card that arrived shortly after I was diagnosed.

I was poised to receive something and prepared myself. I assumed he would be silent since he couldn’t even add me back as a Facebook acquaintance. But… what if he reaches out, can I be open-hearted enough to listen? Can I let the ickiness go and accept an olive branch? Armed with my head-down Shut Up and Deal perspective, I intended to accept any kindness or apology in the spirit in which it was given.

It was a lot of preparation for nothing, because when he did reach out he sent the absolute worst Get Well Card ever written. I am convinced my 7-year-old niece would have written a better card to the school secretary. I could have written a better card to my cat’s veterinarian. In the spirit in which it was given, and echoing a similar exercise Will undertook with one of my thank-you notes written to his mother, here is a breakdown of all his wrongness.

Kate,
Nope, stop, go back, start over. You gotta use the traditional Dear. Even my bank addresses me as Dear Mrs. Boyd and they clearly hate me. It’s not going to send a mixed signal to write Dear, I promise. You’re not declaring anything: it’s standard letter-writing procedure.

I’m really sorry to hear that your cancer came back.
Can you spot the wrongness here? It’s a subtle turn because he starts with an apology, it seems like it’s going somewhere good. It must be heartfelt and sincere.

Wrong. He’s not sorry I’m sick. He’s sorry HE HEARD I’m sick. Hearing I was sick is regrettable, if only he could go back in time and un-hear such terrible news. I should have kept it to myself, I guess. Sorry about it.

I’m hoping that you’ll have the easiest treatment & the quickest recovery possible.
I guess he’s savvy enough to know you have to hedge your bets with cancer treatment—one certainly can’t simply hope for a truly easy treatment and quick recovery. That would be ridiculous. You gotta temper your expectations with what’s possible, not what one would actually hope for a loved one. Maybe he saves that pure hope for people he still cares about.

Also, you’re writing a get-well card composed of no more than 25 words and you had to save effort with an ampersand? Really?

Sincerely,
Oh, NOW you start following letter-writing protocol? I don’t get a Dear in front of my name, but you get to claim sincerity? And let’s not overlook that using Sincerely is more outdated than Dear in current letter-writing practice. Will couldn’t write the usual Love, because he clearly doesn’t. Can’t send mixed signals like writing Love to a formerly Dear friend you now can’t speak to. But there are other options: Warmly; Warm Regards; Best; Best Regards; Respectfully. None of those could work? No warmth, no respect, no regards? What sentiments are you trying to convey in this card? It ain’t sincerity, chum.

William
I had never called him William a day in my life. He created even more distance by signing his full name. I felt it. Start to finish, the letter could not have been emptier, colder, louder in its lack of warm regard.

The long and short of it: If this is the kind of get-well card you’re going to write, save your stamp and just don’t.

HOW TO WRITE THE RIGHT THING

I have a fat manila folder filled with actual cards delivered to my mailbox (did you know they still do that?!), and a few perfect ones are still on display in my bedroom. They range from hilarious and light to philosophical and encouraging, with varying degrees of closeness and reference to who we are to each other.

The right writings reflect the true nature of the relationship. Again, use the KISS tenet of simplicity and examine your intention. If there is existing tension in the relationship, acknowledge it. Honesty won’t put off your patient, I promise. It’s a necessity. This is not the time for bullshit.

Old friend, I know we’re not as close as we’ve been before, but I didn’t want that to stop me from reaching out. I am so sorry you’re going through this. I wish you peace and strength and good health.

See: Nothing has to be promised, you don’t have to give any more than you’re willing to give. But if you want to share your thoughts and good wishes, do it with honesty. Please.