How to Ask for Help
She was wrapped in an aqua gown, trapped in a holding area alone waiting to be called back for the mammogram. It was a diagnostic test, a follow-up to a regular screening she had days before. It's not unusual to have diagnostic tests for my sister, the cancer runs deep in our family after all, and a cousin has recently been diagnosed. But it was the first time in a long time they wanted a closer look at an "area of concern." No one's favorite words. Stressful.
She sat panicking in the waiting room, watching the clock and crunching the time elapsing: Would she have enough time to endure whatever additional testing they needed, and still make it to the elementary school to pick up her son? She texted her very-far-away sisters with exclamation points (I've been waiting over an hour!!!), while we texted back urging her to ask someone to pick up her son. Surely a local mom friend can grab the boy and keep him safe until you get back? She had reasons she wanted to be the one to get him — not the least of which was that he'd clanged heads with another boy that day and she needed to confirm he was alright — but one reason is lingering with me:
I have Grab a Drink Friends, I have Hang Out at the Park Friends, she explained, I don't have Favor Friends.
It's not easy to ask for help. As a stubbornly independent person, I can personally attest to the degree of difficulty. I usually prefer doing things myself on my own schedule, sometimes to my own detriment. In 1999, fresh out of a lumpectomy with the drain still safety pinned to my tank top, I hauled a 6' tall entertainment center to the basement of our apartment building from our second-floor apartment and brought back up a simple bookcase. Or something to that effect, I don't remember the specifics, just the lunacy of not being able to wait a couple hours for help. Sometimes I'm like a toddler with my stubbornness: I do it by self!
In short, I sense the complicated and deep concerns about asking for help. There is an air of defeat to not being able to handle something on my own. There is fear of imposition, of burdening someone in a way that causes irritation, frustration, resentment. There is uncertainty, especially with a new or light relationship, that it is the kind of connection that lends itself to give and take. Am I asking too much? Why should I assume that anyone would want to help ME?
There is no shame in asking for help, we all need assistance from time to time. Rationally, most of us know that It Takes a Village, There is No I in Team, Team Work Makes the Dream Work... so many cliches, and yet so much truth. No one can do literally everything on their own. There simply aren't enough hours in the day, enough bend to the space-time continuum. We have to preserve our energies, outsource when we can, collaborate if possible, delegate when needed.
Most people want to be of use to others. It feels good to be trusted, to be considered. Sometimes helping someone else is the most important part of our day. Recently my family attended a fundraiser for our beloved local theater; the kids performed as part of the entertainment for the evening. It had been a whirlwind of rehearsals crammed in between other things; Rennie went late to most of them due to prior commitments, and rarely found time to work on his part at home. He performed that night feeling like he didn't know what he was doing, a feeling no praise or audience appreciation can erase.
Rennie did the only thing he could to salvage his mood: he pitched in. He put down his plate of leftovers, walked away from his friends and announced his readiness to help clean up. He carried wine boxes to cars, bagged up bagels for others to take home, grabbed a dolly and scouted the area for people in need. He felt useful. He went home happy.
It feels good to help, to be of use. It might be a stretch to say asking someone for a favor is an opportunity for them, but it's not completely wrong. Think about the little rush you feel after performing an act of kindness or support. I think it's safe to assume that whomever you ask for help will likely feel the same way. If they don't, maybe that's a gang of sociopaths you just don't need around.
If I ask someone to pick up my kid from school because I'm running late and she is irritated, put out, burdened, offended... doesn't that say more about her than me? Do I need a relationship with that kind of person? Isn't it better to discover such things about our acquaintances when the stakes are relatively low? We shouldn't wait until a real trauma or loss demands bigger favors, digging deeper emotionally, needing people to show up more. We get give-and-take friendships by building them, by exchanging kindnesses and care. Ask for favors, and offer them in return. We can't have Favor Friends without being one.
And we can't turn Grab a Drink Friends into Favor Friends without asking for help and accepting it. The "take" part of the equation is just as important. There is grace in allowing others to give in ways that feel good to them, to accept their offers of friendship. Give and take should exist in a real friendship, no matter how new. You don't have to keep score, I can tally it up: Win-Win.